Men who know and are comfortable in their understanding of Transsexual women are few and far between. Transsexual wome are (like most women) uncertain of themselves in love and need some sure footing before they can loosen up and really be themselves in a romantic environment.

Traditional romantic standards can prove most challenging especially around holidays such as Valentine’s Day. Many trans females often shut down their feelings about love and relationships because it can be so hard, especially as time marches on.

Getting comfortable in your own skin is hard enough without wrapping your brain around the idea that someone else wants to be comfortable with your skin too, VERY comfortable. Sex and love are not necessarily linear but when you have been told your whole life you are an abomination and you should just go away it’s hard to muster up the old sparkaroo at will.

Once a woman feels comfortable and secure in the knowledge that a man isn’t there just to test drive her and toss her away like a candy wrapper, she is more apt to relax and perhaps get quite a bit playful when it comes to coupling.

Men do not have it easy is this instance either. They are carrying the weight of all sorts of out of date stigmas about sexuality and manliness. With all of the head games that are being played on people about who they can and can’t love it's a wonder anyone can have a healthy give and take relationship. If some poor fool is buying into all that he or she will never attain a truer love. If you chase the illusion you will never catch the reality.

People aren’t perfect, so what? If you can find someone that you enjoy spending time with and feel a spark with and they feel the same way about you, what more do you need? Attracting women has never been that complicated. Women like to be wooed. Men like to know they have effect.

They say never try to engage in a long term romantic relationship with someone who really melts your butter. If you are so totally attracted to someone it’s been scientifically discussed that such a person will not be your true mate. Compatibility above attraction, they say is the key to a successful romance.

Pride and Pre-judged

                                               (scroll down to see all previous content)
 

Many guys have asked me how and where to meet quality TS females. It is a great question and one I have pondered many times.  The girls who live “stealth” (without anyone knowing their Trans status) blend into society and remain undetectable.

If you come across a stealth Trans girl you might be able to tell if you know what to look for but most times with stealth girls you will never know.

The girls in the so called “tranny” bars are the only girls these guys seem to be meeting and therefore seem to be the representation of what’s available, but that is far from the truth.

The girls that are hanging out in the bars every night are mostly show girls and working girls. Perhaps addicted to drugs, plastic surgery and the fast easy money of selling the only commodity they have to offer to survive.

What many straight guys have asked me is how can I meet a Tgirl that I can date, hang out with, have a real relationship with. I want a girlfriend, not a hooker, they tell me. They are seeking a normal girl to have a normal relationship with and don’t know where to find them.

Unfortunately there is no quick fix easy answer here. There are those who are working to find a way to create and establishment that can cater to the needs of the guys and girls who want to meet without the escorts and the drugs. The idea is to create and club, bar or restaurant very similar to any other. Some club owners have tried to create high cover charges and high drink prices to keep discourage the escorts and the johns from coming in but have been unsuccessful. The sleazy element always seems to take root.

There have been attempts to create positive online experiences like tsgirlfriend.com they have a chat room that prohibits trolling for johns and escorts or sex hookups. There you can find a pleasant atmosphere to meet people but the major complaints coming from visitors has been the overzealous room monitors who are quick to eject and ban visitors who come in with little knowledge of how the room works. It is a wonderful place in theory but has not proven overly successful as far as matching couples. With over 5000 members it has generated a mere 20 relationships (many of which are ts lesbian couples). It is a wonderful site to gather information.

Since general society has prejudged TS females before ever knowing them as people, many men are too macho and prideful to openly seek a TS girlfriend. Often times they hide their desires-- meeting and dating TS girls in secret. This pride is also a key element in keeping the general acceptance of TS girls from gaining any ground.

Many TS women feel that men who actively seek TS girls do not understand that TS girls are girls, like any other, and don’t wish to be sought after because they are TS. They feel that those who do seek out TS are gay on some level. I personally highly disagree with that way of thinking. I believe a man can be heterosexual and still be attracted to a TS girl as long as he comprehends that she is female and knows that is what he is seeking. Where to meet one is another much more complicated subject.

If men would openly date TS girls and these girls gained some level of respect in the world and not be left in the dirty secret closet, maybe we can attain some form of happiness for all, and the stealth girls would come out of the clean closet. The stealth girls go to work and live very decent lives and would be happy to date a nice guy and have no one know about her--To have a normal relationship.

It is nobody’s business what goes on in your bedroom. I personally have successfully dated many men without their friends or families knowing my medical history. It’s better that way. No one needs to know and I personally prefer it that way.

There are many girls out there who refuse to be used for sex or be a part of the seedy world of the bar scene. They want something real, something more but who will be the ones to give it to them? I wish I knew how to resolve the problem of good guys finding the good girls but as along as the clubs are full of hooker and drugs and disease the stealth girls will remain in hiding, Apparently after having gone out of one closet, they are now locked in another.

This week on Transsexualandthecity.com

To tell or not to tell… that is the question

There is a time that most, if not all transsexual women face and that is how to handle the guy who doesn’t know.   When you are sitting in a café and a handsome man comes over and strikes up a conversation perhaps commenting on the article you are reading, most women will look up, smile and chat—often times the transsexual woman will freeze.  Even though we see ourselves as average women there is always that lingering worry about they way we look or the way we sound. It may not be very prevalent in many, but it’s there.

If the guy does ask you out then the worry really begins.  Did he ask me out because he knows and likes it?  Does he have no clue?  Then the questions begin.  So you accept the date to feel it out.  See if he reveals any information to you.  In conversation if you notice he is slanderous of other groups, gays, alternate ethnic backgrounds, you may decide he is too volatile a guy for you to tell him your Trans status.  If he seems sweet and open and kind, you may then think he can handle it.

Every situation is different.  There is no rule book here.  We have to be aware of ourselves and our safety.  To date a man for an extended period of time without telling him often can lead to some feelings of betrayal on his part.  It can be a dangerous and slippery slope to manage.

As we all know most men consider Trans women to be complete freaks.  These are the Neanderthal thugs that conquer women to impress other men (which to me, is gay behavior).

I always seek out what I call the enlightened rogues.  The enlightened rogue is masculine, smart and artistic, with a deep mind that sees beyond the mere physical.

As far as reactions go I have had many.  One time, when I was about twenty I was dating a wonderfully sweet Italian boy next door type names Chris.  We met while we were both working in publishing.  We dated for six months, with sexual activity but no intercourse.  He was very respectful that way and it was a different time back then.  Girls used to make boys wait years in those days.  Chris and I were great together but I was too idealistic and in truth a big chicken to tell him. Finally I did tell him and it was awkward and painful and very hard to do.  He said he needed to think about it. I didn’t hear from him for three days and when I did, he left me.

There have been times when I have experienced violence and times when I have experienced compassion and love when telling a guy that I am Trans.   I told another guy after four months and we were together for ten years, even got engaged, unfortunately we never made it to the wedding.  We discussed it deeply once and never again, it was a non issue after that one time.

I personally am against disclosure.  What I mean by that is I don’t believe in telling my co-workers or my boyfriend’s friends and family. My medical history is nobody’s business. Plus once they know then that’s all that they can see you as.  You become merely the transsexual instead of the woman.

Nowadays I don’t date men who don’t know in advance.  If I meet a guy in a place where I know people I don’t date him.  If I meet a guy on my own and I agree to go out with him I tell him before anything happens.  To not tell someone the truth can make them feel victimized.

On the flip side of that dating men that know the truth in advance can also have a price.  Many are attracted but want to keep it on the DL. They have wives and girlfriends and want some TS action on the side, never allowing the relationship to become more.  They fear ridicule and scrutiny.  Part of choosing a mate for some men is getting their friends approval -- Again, men seeking male approval or the approval of others, denying his true self.

There are Trans women who may have moments where that get spooked in public and perhaps don’t pass so well.  There are Trans women who you could see taking a shower and still never know.

All of them search for the man who will tell them, baby, you don’t know how lovely you are.  A man who will hold her face, look at her with those juicy romantic loving eyes and see only his lady love. On the other hand sometimes once they find out they treat you differently. The potential for love becomes less possible to them. The change in perception is undetectable to most, but the Trans woman can see it.

It rarely pays off to date a man who doesn’t know.  Men are visual and seek sex.  Women are romantic and seek love (and sex).  If I tell a guy I like that doesn’t already know that I am a Trans woman, and he accepts it without holding back, I will never betray him and always honor him deeply.  I’m still waiting for it to happen.

What are you so scared of?

What some men may fear in dating a Trans woman.
 

It’s seems there are many men who would very much like to have a sexual experience with a transsexual female. Many of whom will never admit to such a thing because they mistakenly believe that it would be a gay experience when in truth it is not. They go without it because of fear or seek it in secret and in hiding.

Some men have told me they seek the thrill of the surprise. To find out during a heated make-out session or in some other naughty way. This, to the TS female, is playing Russian roulette. Disclosing to a man while engaged in romantic activity is not only dangerous but potentially humiliating.

Sex is one thing, having a relationship is quite another. Due to the stigma and controlled consciousness of society some men fear others will find out if they make a TS woman their girlfriend.

They simply have no form of reference. They have no idea what to expect. They imagine the worst and those thoughts scare them. They might imagine a hairy lady with a big ugly … well, you know. They might wonder “Is she going to want to put it in my ass?” (For the record most TS females see themselves as women and have no interest whatsoever in that activity. To her, that would be a gay act between two males.)

They might assume all sorts of fallacies. Their fear keeps them from discovering that we are soft and lovely and feminine and not very much different at all from “normal” girls.

I was dating a great guy with whom I had a lot in common. We clicked. Our personalities connected. We shared the same sense of humor and were, and still are, very attracted to each other--but he just can’t handle the fact that I am a Trans girl. He won’t admit it, but I believe that if it weren’t for that, we would be in an amazing relationship today. Now, we remain friends, sometimes close, sometimes distant, and it breaks my heart because to truly connect with someone is rare.

People have said to me if the connection was so incredible that he would be able to overlook my being a Trans girl. Personally, I don’t want to be tolerated, I want to be desired. It’s simplistic thinking to say if a man has a good heart he can sexually accept whatever happens. As we well know sex is different that love. It is a basic human fact that some people are attracted to penises, some vaginas. That’s just cold sex. When it comes to genuine affection physical forms don’t matter nearly as much but to deny it matters somewhat is deficient rationalization.

Some men simply can not see themselves in a deep meaningful relationship with a Trans woman. It scares them because of sexual fear and societal pressure. Their minds are owned by the dead.

We are taught to grow up, get an education, get a job, get married and have children—but why is the script so narrow? It is narrow because it was made by the dead. The world’s societal structure was formed by people ages ago who taught their sons and daughter who in turn taught their sons and daughters. We are a product of the dead.

Our minds are not our own. They are owned by the dead. We are trained to buy cars and clothes and houses and to attain goals on a list that we did not create for ourselves. We are asleep and obeying.

Fighting for ones true self takes a lot of courage, this we know. Intellect has a language, love has a language, they can be reasoned with but sex has no language. Sex is based on urge and desire and can not be reasoned with. This mixed with the sleeping mind, therein lays the conflict of acceptance of alternate physical forms.

To some men, a lovely woman (with a penis or a vagina) is simply a lovely woman regardless. These men “get it”. They understand that some women have different genitalia than others. They see that these ladies are still women much the same as any other. If a man makes a Trans woman cum, he is still making a girl cum, regardless of skin arrangement.

Alienation and depression, not to mention self loathing and hostility are all emotional struggles many Trans women face. It hurts to be rejected based on a medical condition. It also feels strange to be desired solely for it. Trans women want to be accepted as women. Not accepted as needy cases and not sought after by smutty tranny chasers.

When we lose someone who can’t accept us it hurts because there is nothing we can do about it. I can tell myself hopefully someday he will come around but until then I can miss him and love him and understand that it’s not his conscious choice… it’s about the lack of sexual language. We can not communicate sexually. He is afraid, he is ashamed and his mind is owned by the dead.

I wish people would wake up and simply realize that there are all kinds of women in the world and not all of them reside on the pages of Maxim magazine, well, not yet anyway.

So it’s true…

And he knew not what to do

Would anyone know why…

She let him believe this lie

You say you can’t believe

Then you divided what was mine

You’re off with that other girl

Now I will be left behind

So it’s true…

And I don’t know what to do

Now there will be nothing more

I have to watch you close the door

This week’s article:   I told him, and he left me, or did he?

(scroll down to read last weeks article)

One average day while shopping at the market a tall, tan and very handsome guy came up to me and asked me how I was doing, which in guy speak means I like you.

He had tried to talk to me several times over the past few months but I was reluctant to hook up with someone who works where I shop. On this day I was feeling particularly open to it.

I said, I’m good, how are you? Which in girl speak means, I’m good, how are you? He smiled and told me he’s seen me in the store often and thought I was cute and pretty, which I must admit I needed to hear at the moment. We chatted and he asked for my number, which I gave to him. The next evening we went to the movies. He kept telling me how much he liked the way I looked throughout the whole date. We kissed gently during the film. Ok… it was a little aggressive, but in the good way.

Two days later we went on another date, a walk in the park and cocktails. He told me he liked me a lot and that I was the greatest girl he’s met in a long time. He liked that he could talk to me and that we got along so well and that I was very much physically his type, whatever that means.  As we were sitting in the park talking and he was saying all this to me as we were looking over the calm summer waters he asked me to be his girlfriend. Just what every girl wants to hear one week into a relationship. I was floored. I said to him, you don’t even know me. He said, yes but I like you. I again said you don’t know me. He talked about his time as a marine and his innocent sweetness made me realize it was time. I had to fess up.

I sat him down on the park bench overlooking the glassy black water, the hot summer breeze blowing my hair and I said to him. We’re going to need cocktails. We jumped in the car and went to the nearest bar. I had a tequila shot and a margarita and said to him, look, we need to talk. You have got to slow down a little, I said. He leaned in over the table, folding is tan rippling muscular arms and looked into my eyes with his big brown juicy eyes and said, I really like you.

I said, hold that thought. There is something we need to talk about, I said. Not being sure if he figured it out or not, I said I’m a little bit different from other girls. He said I know. I was like, you do? He said, yeah you are cool to talk to and pretty too. I said, that’s not what I meant.

Sensing intellect wasn’t his strong suit I realized that he could blow up if I told him. I was in a public place but still I was feeling awful for ever having kissed him or even agreed to go out with him at all, but now, I had to tell him. He was asking me to spit out whatever it was that I was trying to tell him and he was running out of patience trying to guess. He asked me if was married and cheating? I said no. What then? He demanded!

I softly explained to him that I was a transsexual woman and that for all intents and purposes I am female, except for one part. He turned shiseido red. He said I don’t believe you why would you make up such a lie, don’t you like me?

I told him I did like him and that it wasn’t a lie, just a medical condition. He jumped up from the table and mumbled to himself, why do I always meet the wrong girls? I was kind of hurt, but I understood. I thought is best to get him out of there, we went back to the bench at the park and I tried to calm him down. After about two hours of him asking questions and me trying to explain he said, look, I don’t know what this is, but I still like you and I want to give it a try. So we agreed to continue seeing each other. I never heard from him after that, well, not for two weeks.

The next time I went to the market he asked why I hadn’t called him, he had lost my number. I knew he couldn’t handle it but was trying. We went out again and at the end of the date there was some sexual contact. His body was perfection but again, later that week no word from him. It was clear that he was attracted to me, but that was all. Nothing could ever really happen for us. Nothing real anyway.

Now, every time I see him in the market he asks me out and I find an excuse to be busy. I won’t be chased out of my place of shopping but I won’t subject myself to being used either. Now it has become reduced to a harmless flirtation, uncomfortable as it is.

So when you are confronted with the task of telling a man you are dating that you are different from other women in some ways be ready for a reaction. Be sure you are in a safe environment and be sure he is even worthy of this information. Many Trans women feel it's none of a guys business about her personal medical history if they are only dating, especially if she is post op. Others feel it is not honest to the man and to themselves not to be upfront about it from the very beginning. You have to do what works for you. Be safe and be gentle. It's not easy news to break nor is it easy to hear. Don't be hurt if he can't accept it. He was raised and trained to believe all women should have naturally born vaginas and no male characteristics at all. His initial reaction might not be his final opinion on the subject either. Give him some time to adjust. He just might see what a great lady you really are.

For many men discovering you're attracted to a Trans woman or T-Girl is almost a right of passage for many single male New Yorkers. Anyone who is out there dating in the big apple has probably come across this new model T-Girl in their travels. They’re finding she’s unexpectedly pretty, down to earth and actually quite worth taking a serious look at. Often times these ladies bring the “girl” and the “friend” to the meaning of the word “girlfriend”.

The hardest part about breaking the taboo regarding transsexuals is that people connect them with being gay and gay sex. The true nature of a transsexual is not about homosexuality at all. It is not related, not even close. Identity and sexuality are two completely different issues. Transsexuals suffer with gender dysphoria, being born into the wrong body, and they can spend a lifetime trying to correct it. Like a birth defect. Being gay or straight has nothing to do with it.  There are some men who are attracted to CD (cross dresser) and TV (transvestite). That is NOT the same as TS, a transsexual or Trans woman’s goal is to live full time as female. A CD/TV is a male who dresses up.

The mental images of outrageous drag queen clowns in big wigs and a spackled face full of make-up are merely slapstick for comedic imagery, staged Jerry Springer humor. When these images are attempting to represent the true life of transsexual ladies it is as offensive to them as an African-American seeing someone in blackface.

Changing ones body to coincide with ones mind is an arduous, torturous and very expensive medical disorder that should be supported, not shunned. Like everyone else transsexuals go to school, work and make a home except all the while going through the physical pain of their condition and subjected to emotional torture by a world that wishes they would simply go away. Often times they are physically attacked simply for existing. These bashers may think they are beating a man in a dress when what they are really doing is beating on a woman with a serious medical disorder who inside, is perhaps just a little girl.

 Men who are comfortable and confident, who have nothing to prove to themselves or their friends don’t expel such hatred and violence. It is the ones who feel like less of a man inside that tend to lash out to show bravado to other males. That is the only male on male action here, dumb guys out to impress other guys. It is the true man that can see beyond skin deep and really notice a Trans woman for what she is, a woman.

Transsexuals pay the same taxes and abide the same laws as every other citizen. Yet they have no protection from harassment and abuse. It’s actually considered acceptable to harass them by some ignorant minded individuals. Trans girls are not permitted the simple right to marry legally (if they are even lucky enough to find someone). Since when is having a birth defect reason to withhold basic rights and respect? The social acceptance of their being treated as lower class citizens is an outrage and is wrong.

In truth transsexuals prefer to live “stealth” in other words keeping their medical condition a secret from the general public. They are not out there advertising this problem. They do all they can to keep it private. Living normally as any other female, without always wearing the TS label is their goal. To the transsexual female, she is just a woman. Transsexualism is just a medical condition she suffers from. It is only one part of her existence, the part that can be corrected by having SRS (sex reassignment surgery) if she so chooses.

SRS is not covered by health insurance and is the big step in transition. Before a MtF (male to female) Transsexual goes in for SRS she may have others procedures to endure. HRT (hormone replacement therapy), facial electrolysis, breast augmentation (depending on the effects of the hormones, some Trans girls don’t require implants. For some taking hormones is enough to grow breasts).

These are the challenges they face. Only after these mountainous hurdles are overcome do they even think about love and sex. Transsexuals are not restricted from having love or sex. Quite the opposite, they are often pursued sexually for their circumstance, not in spite of it. Most are more comfortable with sex once they are more comfortable with themselves.

It takes a strong person who fights hard to establish themselves in the basic gender role they know themselves to be. Something which most others are simply born with and take for granted--an identity--that matches their soul.

COMING SOON To Transsexualandthecity.com

I told him and he left me (How to handle disclosure)

My friends are gorgeous, how do I measure up? (TS beauty tips)

He says he likes me and is ok with me being TS but he is nervous about having sex?

(Surviving dating as a single transgendered woman)

Bookmark us and keep informed!